Sitting on the bench – waiting…
The lesson from watching opportunities you can’t participate in is a very, very painful one. As a trader having to observe your A+ setups form play out perfectly while you sit on the sideline, because you have no capital to allocate is one of the most hurtful experiences. You feel left out, as if you are back in childhood and no one is around you, that same loneliness. You feel like everyone else is “having fun” but you.
Obviously, seeing it from unbiased lens that’s not true. In futures trading for every buyer there’s a seller, so if the price is trending there are as many losers as there are winners. But that doesn’t help you when you see you’re missing profit. One has to start facing the truth of why he is in the position he is in. What led to this?
Why was I revenge trading? Why was I taking random, gamble, trades immediately after being stopped out? Why even if I am perfectly aware how catastrophic and destructive that kind of behavior is, I still do it?
One reason is that, I wanted to pay myself. The current future prop firms are structured in such a way to promote following their rules and when the window for a payout is open you take advantage of that. You’ve done all the necessary steps and now is the time to pay yourself. But the market is not always on the same page. It tests you just before you meet those requirements as if somehow it waits for the perfect opportunity when your guard is down and are overly excited.
However, on a deeper level – it’s never the market. It’s always us as traders, who make this endeavour way more difficult and painful than it has to be. Waiting for a perfect opportunity even if it takes days, when you’re that close IS the right call. But I did NOT do that. Being a scalper on NQ allows me at least a couple of trades that I deem worth almost each day. I had to exercise caution, patience, discipline and foresight but by seeing that “imaginary” finish line I tricked myself.
Back in mid-late August twice I chose a mediocre setup that cascaded into a loss of an Apex PA account with $7k in profits. All I needed was the first trade to go in my favor for that day to secure myself a payout, but the market went the other way and my emotions began stacking against me. It’s beyond irrational yet that’s how it went. It was a brutal one.
After that devastating loss for me I managed to calm myself somehow as I said to myself – “It’s fine I have another account almost ready for a payout”. The next day everything went smooth. But… Friday mirrored exactly what happened on Wednesday – I did the exact same MISTAKE. The funny thing is that I knew how ridiculous that was and I wouldn’t let myself do it again. Oh, was I wrong. One trade that went against me in a similar fashion, (now that I think about it’s my achilles heel as I was sure it can’t happen again NOT that soon) I was sure I was going to pay myself for the month, at least something, finally.
For the past 3 months things were going very well and I didn’t want to lose my streak of getting consistant monthly payouts. Yet I lost again an account with $7k+ in profit. From that point ruin was an inevitable outcome and it cascaded out of control.
August was supposed to be a great month and it turned out to be my worst, psychologically and mentally. Recovering from that drain of confidence, self-worth, conviction took a lot of time and introspection. I can still remember that pain back then. It was as if a dream died, maybe even worse.
Perhaps, one of the reasons why I stopped writing in the blog. I was feeling defeated and even the slight effort I could gather to continue trading, just left me even more exhausted. No energy to express myself in here.
In October, a light at the end of the tunnel appeared. Managed to secure some payouts finally after the drought of August and September. However, that was short-lived and I am back facing the trader’s graveyard, the abyss of one’s own decision making.
The capital is our lifeblood in the markets. We all know that, but somehow in those moments of weaknesses we sacrifice the only thing which matters at the end and allows us to speculate on the financial markets. The ruin of a few mistakes done in seconds or minutes erases weeks and months of capital accumulation.
On the positive side, after every defeat we have the opportunity to stand up and learn from the mistakes, grow, do inner work, find out what made us do that. For that action we are presented a gift. We do become more aware of ourselves, our dark tendencies and with that a path for inner change is shown.
And that is what ultimately, makes trading worthwhile. We all start it for the money but we stay for that which cannot be lost and that is the experience, the lessons, the wisdom, the inner growth. At least, that’s how I see it.
I do not regret starting my trading journey, I was just rather unaware how painful it was going to be. If I knew that from the beginning I don’t know if I was going to choose this path. But as they say “no pain, no gain” in the gym. I know this saying is true in trading just as much.
